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Marriages in Hiding: “Christian Marriage Counseling”

Sometimes I personally think I have read every single book there is on the subject of ‘marriage.’ At least it feels like it. In particular, this thing we call today in church circles,Christian Marriage. So allow me to begin where I believe every counselor needs to begin: With a confession. Here's mine: I'm not "The Answer Man." I'm not here to "fix" you or your marriage. I want to say that right up front because you need to hear me say it. I don't have the final word. Not even close. There’s no way anyone in marital therapy can even suggest that. There’s no counselor anywhere in the world who has discovered the last word on how to heal the hurt of a broken vow or a marriage gone stale. By the way, if they suggest or imply that they have, guess what? You’ve chosen a marriage counselor who’s lying. And that’s not good.

It’s especially not good if you’ve gone to them for advice on your marriage. In most cases, you've gone for counseling because something is wrong. You know it deep in your heart. You know something is missing. You are willing to admit that there are issues. Issues that both partners need to admit and deal with. You’re not looking for gimmicks and gurus. You're tired of all the seminars and books full of "cute" tips and techniques. You’re not in the market for another exhausting "12 step program" that wears off in a month. What you’re actually looking for is what Jesus said will permanently change your life: TRUTH. Real, practical, applicable truth that sets your marriage free. You know, what Solomon in the book of Proverbs in the Old Testament calls "wisdom." Deep insight, that when embraced and applied, brings lasting change? 

So here’s the question: How will you know that what you are hearing from a counselor, a pastor, a TV expert, or reading in a book he or she gives you is the truth? 

It’s really pretty simple: When you get all done with the counseling session, even if it hurts a little and brings stinging conviction, the counselor’s words begin to set you and your marriage free. That’s it. That’s the acid test of anyone’s counseling or advice on marriage (or anything else about life). I call it freedom! Not cuddly feelings. Not another book list involving hours of reading or a new set of nine sermon CD’s that the pastor is pushing. Or not even a flashy brochure on when and where to attend the latest “marriage seminar" blowing through town with another 3-ring notebook for your shelf.

What couples today are looking for in their marriages is freedom. Just freedom. Meaning? When you walk out and get in your car to drive away, you know one thing: You've been set free! The "hiding" can stop. You can drop all the masks and pretending at church that everything at home is just perfect. Your marriage can be a marriage that has "come out of hiding." 

I want to be very clear on one important issue as you read these words I'm typing. Only Christ has the final word on marriage. Nobody else. As my prof, Dr. Howard Hendricks put it so well, "He invented it and therefore only He knows how it works." So I suggest when we are looking for clarity and direction on how to deepen and strengthen our marriages, we return to The Architect of marriage Himself. 

But In order to do that, we first must become aware of what's being offered out there today called "Christian Counseling." There's a ton of stuff being passed off as "Biblical" or "Christian." And a lot of it sounds really good. A lot of it you even hear in church or on Christian TV programs. But here's the question: Is it from Him? If it's not, you'll know because nothing in your marriage will really change. Couples ask me all the time, "Why is there not permanent change in our marriage? We are Christians. And we're hearing all the same stuff we've heard for years. And our marriage is still 'in hiding'."

Please listen carefully. I'm just one guy with one opinion trying to help a ton of couples who are miserable married to each other. They've been that way for years. Some who read these words over the next weeks and months to come will not agree or even be offended. But here is what I submit for your consideration: After sitting with dozens of couples for over four decades now as a pastor and private counselor, I’ve come to the conclusion that you can summarize all the books and seminars on marriage, especially "Christian Marriage" (and Christian Counselors), into three categories based on what is the final product: Facts, Fluff, and Faith. 

In other words, there are three kinds of fruit produced. You know, like Jesus told us, the final test is always to look "at the fruit." If you want to know if it's the real thing, just "squeeze" the fruit. Look at the outcome of the counseling over the test of time. That's what we will do in the weeks ahead (watch your email for each new article). We are going to address the issue of why today, especially in "Christian circles", there are so many "Marriages in Hiding."  

To begin, you will need to remember what I like to call three "handles." Each one describes a different kind of fruit. 

Facts = "Information" is the fruit.... more Bible verses. 

Fluff = "Entertainment" is the fruit.... more funny stories.  

Faith: "Transformation" is the fruit.... more lasting change.  

Which one sounds best to you?