Why Porn & Secret Sex Grab a Man So Tight - Part 1
Posted on November 06, 2014 by Jon Krug in Porn and Secret Sex
Not a week goes by in my life meeting privately with over a dozen men one at a time that this same question does not come up: “Why does this ‘porn thing’ have such an addictive effect on me?”
My initial response is always the same: “That’s the wrong question. Here’s what you should be asking: ‘What am I really looking for when I click that mouse at 3AM five mornings a week?’”
By the way, just so you know, one in every three men in America tonight will stay up late or get up early to spend a minimum of 30 minutes looking at porn this very day. Whether it be at home on a desktop in a spare bedroom, downstairs on his laptop or Ipad, or the wide monitor in his hotel room while traveling, he keeps that same “appointment” a minimum of five days a week. Every week.
Would you like to know why? Are you ready for this? It’s not about sex. It’s not about his wife not being enough. And it’s not about masturbation. It’s about his heart and what he was designed for all along. But here’s the problem. It’s a counterfeit.
John Eldredge, author and counselor, has said it so very well in his classic book, Wild at Heart:
Why is pornography (and “secret sex”) the most addictive thing in the universe for men? Certainly there's the fact that a man is visually wired, that pictures and images arouse men much more than they do women.
But the deeper reason is because that seductive beauty reaches down inside and touches your desperate hunger for validation and intimacy as a man you didn't even know you had, touches it like nothing else most men have ever experienced.
You must understand -- this is deeper than legs and breasts and good hidden sex. It is mythological. Look at the lengths men will go to find the golden-haired woman. They have fought duels over her beauty; they have fought wars for her. You see, every man remembers Eve. We are haunted by her. And somehow we believe that if we could find her, get her back, then we’d also recover with her our own lost masculinity. When a man takes his question to “the woman”, (“Do I have what it takes?”) what happens is always addiction, perversion, or emasculation.(Wild at Heart, 91-93)
Don’t miss what John said in his final statement. It’s huge! It’s the one (and only one) question that I ask myself as a man everyday in one form or another: “Do I have what it takes?” And until I get that one question answered, I will keep searching.
Allow me to word the question like this: “Do I have what it takes to come through today for my wife, my children, and the people I care about no matter what I must face?” Whether or not he agrees, every man wants to know the answer to that question. Hopefully, he got it answered from his “first man”, his dad. If he didn't, somewhere, someday, he will need to hear it from another man. Eventually, any man will do. But there’s someone else he must hear it from as well.
Every man has to hear it answered from a woman. He will search for that woman with the answer until he finds her (correction - until he finds them). Even if it’s a “fake” woman on a computer screen. She actually doesn't even have to be real. The truth is, she's not. But still, he will start looking for her wherever he can. He starts the search where many of his friends have told him to start. At the club, at the gym, or even on the street. But what nobody has told him is that he can just start at home. But therein lies the risk. Why? Because there's a chance he may not like what he hears.
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Next blog entry:
Why Porn & Secret Sex Grab a Man so Tight - Part 2