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Why Porn & Secret Sex Grab a Man so Tight - Part 2

All my life, my Dad was my biggest fan. He also was my biggest hero. Raised on a Kansas wheat farm, a decorated World War II soldier, a strong man of true grit and deep faith, he had one central “life theme.” As a young boy growing up in his home, I heard him say it many times in many ways. But it wasn’t until in my late 50’s did I hear him say it succinctly in a few choice words. One evening sitting with him in the house where I grew up in Dallas, a few weeks before he took his last breath, we were discussing his funeral and what he wanted to say if he could actually be there at that moment. I asked him the one question I now ask men in counseling almost every week: "Dad, what is the one thing you would like to share about your life that people could remember for the rest of their lives?" In other words, if he could choose only one nugget to share as his “life-theme”, what would it be? He looked at me, smiled, and then his eyes began to fill with tears. He said, “Son, that’s a really good question. I'm glad you asked me that."  Then he leaned forward in his favorite chair and softly said these words: “Jon, just remind the men who come into your life, ‘Fear not that you fail, fear only that you succeed at all the wrong things.’ ” (Now, I’m crying.)

It wasn't until that very moment I realized that his life-theme had played itself out in my own life in a unique twist. I wanted to succeed at all the right things. But at the same time, I feared failure deeply. Dad had told me so many times in so many ways the answer to that central question I needed to know as a man. Thanks to him, I knew I had what it takes. And I believed him, because he never lied to me. On the contrary, he always told me the truth, even if it hurt. The truth about me. Especially when I did not want to here it. That’s what dad’s are supposed to do, right?

By the way, are dad's still doing that today? Of course, that’s assuming you even had a dad at all. And that's a huge part of the problem with men today. They are fatherless.There has never been a man in their life who stepped up and stepped in and spoke these words to them: "Son, you're mine. You belong to me. You have what it takes."  You see, that’s where each man should begin to have his questioned answered. From a man - his "First Man." Until he does, he will always go to a woman to get his question answered. Even if it's just a woman on a computer screen. 

But what if, like me, you've have had that key question answered by your First Man? You know what? You're still not out of the woods. At the peak of a very satisfying career, like so many men, my success had not made me immune to that grip that holds a man so tight. For me, it wasn't porn. It was an affair. How did it happen? Allow me to re-word my dad’s quote: “I had feared failure (talk about driven!) more than I feared missing the most important thing in all of my life.” Don’t misunderstand me. I had a really good marriage and family. I had an awesome career. I was traveling, speaking, counseling, and writing. I was very happy, fulfilled, and more than satisfied. I was truly blessed. But there was just one problem. And that problem was huge. It wasn't about failure. On the contrary. It's name was "success." 

You see, I couldn't handle the glitz and the glimmer. I got caught up in the spotlight and ended up in the headlights. While walking the platform, I failed to see that I was actually walking the plank. As one friend put it, "Jon, you started believing your own press reports." How did that happen? I learned well to operate out of my successes, gifts and strengths, not out of humility and thankfulness. Life became all about me. You might say I began having an affair long before I had an affair. And the affair was with Jon, not Jesus. While listening each week to the compliments and trusting in my track record and skill set, I refused to stop and listen to people who cared enough to confront me. Like one dear friend who came to me privately and said, "Jon, I love you and I've been watching you for months. And you know what? I don't like what I see." 

After a few seconds, I said, "Thanks, I love you, too." And then, I just walked away. Right back into "my affair." 

I just kept plowing forward with even more success. I forgot what Aristotle taught his disciples centuries ago: "The greatest failure is the unexamined life." You see, it’s not just the guy who is depressed and struggling who gets grabbed by sexual sin. It’s also the guy who’s at the top of his game. Until his game falls apart. (Any names come to mind?) I thought to myself what I had taught other men to never think: “It will never happen to me.” But it did. And therein lies the mystery. This counterfeit isn't choosy. It tugs at every man in every generation. Even men who already know the answer to that question that all men ask. Men who you would never dream would go and get hooked. Men who go from victor to victim almost overnight.  

You may have noticed I used the word counterfeit. You know why? Because that’s exactly the word to describe porn and secret sex. It's not the real deal. It’s a fake. It provides a false intimacy. But it feels like the real thing. It numbs the pain for a while. Until the bills come due and the truth comes out for all to see. And I’m not just talking about the truth a wife discovers one day when she finds her husband's "other" cell phone and suddenly realizes, no matter what he has told her, he's been a man in hiding. I’m not just talking about the truth of a tarnished career and reputation in the marketplace or on the gridiron. I’m talking, first and foremost, about the truth concerning a man's heart. My heart. Your heart. Yes, you heard that correctly. You see, porn isn't about porn. Secret sex is not about sex at all. It’s about one thing: Not watching over your heart. 

Have you heard what I just said about your heart? We need to stop right here before we move to Part 3. There's something I don't want you to miss. Notice the only difference between the word heart and the word heard is the last letter. Did you see that? It's so tiny. Almost every man misses it. Did you ever realize there's a connection between the two words? Here's it is: What this tug from porn is really all about is whether or not you've really heard down deep that this number one addiction of men today is first and foremost about your heart. Your freedom from the chains of porn and secret sex depends upon one thing: Whether or not you've been listening - listening about your heart. 

By the way, right now, some who have just read these words are laughing, not listening. And in about 60 seconds, you're going to click the mouse and switch to another website. Why? Because if feels a lot better. Allow me to offer two simple words of advice: Please don't. 

Not until you've read Part 3.