Stating the Obvious

In less than one day, the secret life of another well-known and respected figure has come out of the dark and into the light. A mistress has come forward with accusations. Hidden emails are discovered. Cell phone records are traced. A suspicious wife, having been in denial, has had her deepest fears confirmed. The evidence is undeniable. Now she knows the truth: Her husband is not the man she thought.

Specifically, in the case of those men involved in an extra-marital affair, we are shocked to think that he has ruined his reputation and destroyed the trust of all those around him. Eventually, it strikes us, that in reality, he has actually ruined his life as well. Maybe not physically, but at least his life as he once knew it. No matter what happens from here on, his world, his marriage, and his family will never be the same. King Solomon knew first hand the consequences of this counterfeit intimacy as he stated centuries ago in the Old Testament text we call, The Proverbs, when he said, “So he does not know that it will cost him his life” (Prov.7: 23).

We sit and shake our heads in disbelief. We ask the same questions over and over. What in the world was he thinking? How could he have gone there? How did he hide this? Did he ever stop and consider what might happen? What lures a man to risk everything he has for a temporary “intimate encounter” outside of his marriage?

All of these questions are what we in counseling refer to as core questions. Meaning what? Meaning they should lead us to core answers. But therein lies the problem. Have they done that? Have they really led us to a clear, concise explanation of what lies behind the hiding? Regardless of the “category” of hiding, whether it be an extra-marital affair, financial corruption at the Wall Street level, or simply illegal conduct, we seem to merely have suggestions from the professionals. Today, as never before, “random guesses” from the world of mental health are abundant. Weekday TV “therapists” suggest, “It's an addiction...it's a personality disorder... it's a temporary mid-life crisis that will pass.” I read about one noted Mayo psychiatrist who admitted after reading all the latest research compiled by his colleagues, “Now I know where men hide and how men hide, but I still don't know why?”

You may be surprised where we will find the answer to that question. The pages that follow will explain how secret affairs, pornography, prescription pain-killers, and all the other “male” dysfunctions we see today are not only common hiding places, but are fueled by a deeper longing than we ever imagined. Allow me to use a single word to identify that longing that all men possess but never want to discuss.

It’s the word, intimacy. You read that correctly. A longing in the heart of every man for one thing: Intimacy.

I invite you to read this book from cover to cover. It’s a quick read. I did that on purpose. Why? Because men don’t like to read. Especially about certain issues. Don’t misunderstand what I’m saying. In a minute they will pick up “Sports Illustrated”, “Men’s Health,” “Esquire”, or “ESPN” and read cover to cover on a two-hour flight. What I meant is this: They don’t like to read about them. More specifically, why do they go where they go and do what they do? I didn’t like it either. But that’s exactly why I wrote this book. Because it’s first and foremost about me.

My objective is not to point a finger or present a critique of any other man. Lord knows, we have had enough of that as men. What we haven’t had is grace. My desire is to share with you one-on-one what I saw for years in the mirror each morning when I was shaving. And I long to share it with grace, not more judgment.

In my opinion, the topic of “Men in Hiding” has been a well-kept secret for far too long. A secret, that for some strange reason, I too had missed. It was right in front of me my whole life. Now, after forty-plus years as a pastor and counselor, traveling and teaching in the United States and “under cover” behind the Iron Curtain in Eastern Europe, I am compelled to share about my own journey. I call it my journey out of hiding.

Each chapter maps that journey in succession exactly as it unfolded in my life. But you know what’s amazing? I have discovered it is the same journey of many men who sit with me in counseling each week. As those men have shared with me their deepest, darkest moments, I continue to be amazed that it is as if they have been invisibly following me for years. Or to be more honest, more than once I thought, “They must have been talking to my wife!”

I believe deep in my core as a man that it’s now time (change that! -- it’s passed time) that I share what lies recorded in my private journals. Why would I do that? Because I am convinced that others who I may never meet might find clarity, direction, and fresh hope from the path I have traveled. That is my heart's passion. That is why I write. I gratefully offer these pages as a personal guide and journal to each man who is willing to read further. I do so because I know that there are men everywhere who desire the same thing I was longing for: To come out of hiding and to come home. Home to where they were meant to be.

This book has been designed with three goals in mind. First, to unveil and define the hiding. Secondly, to help a man identify his own personal hiding strategy. And third, to set a man on a new path of healing, lasting change, and restoration. As mentioned, it has been written by one who has traveled before you and now would like to travel beside you. It is my prayer that it will enable you to see yourself as I now see myself... a man who learned how to hide.

It's time we pause and take a deeper look at what has been right in front of us all along. It's time we pause and take a deeper look at Men in Hiding.

Order Book